Right?
So obviously last cycle was a bust. I'm currently taking my Femara, 7.5 mg daily, getting my ovaries to start growing some follicles. This doesn't seem to be the issue. The other two cycles everything developed how it needed to we just didn't get pregnant. So, yah, that's where we are. I have a couple more days of Femara and then we wait for about a week and then go have an ultrasound to see if anything developed. From there more decisions are made about how to move the cycle along. So right now I'm just taking pills and not really thinking about much.
The one thing I do know is that this will be our last monitored cycle for the foreseeable future. Next month we (finally) take our trip to Disney World and won't be here for monitoring, and then (sequestration [Drink!] pending) the ship schedule picks up dramatically and the other party needed to achieve pregnancy won't be here. ;) I'm not sure how I feel about this being the last go. On one hand it sucks to know this is it. Our last real go at adding to our family. But on the other hand infertility treatment is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. After the first 12 days of each cycle I'm in the doctor's office about every couple days to check things. Then we get the IUI and then I just drift aimlessly over analyzing every little twinge, ache, and cramp. So I essentially spend half of each month in this weird disconnected fog. Not a productive way to live. I feel bad for Cayce and Lily. I'm sure there are those out there who sail through IF treatments without batting an eye. I'm just not that person. I think maybe IF treatments should come with therapy. Ha! When that negative pregnancy test comes up then all your fears are realized. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I have family who want another baby (and talk about it like it's as easy as picking up a gallon of milk at the store). I have friends who are lovingly taking this trip with me. I have Lily who would make a wonderful big sister. I have Cayce who wants to give his heart to just one more little one. And I have my own heart that knows there is just *something* missing. So once I know I failed...again... I just feel the failure that much more strongly. *sigh*
So to protect my heart I start trying to make myself believe one-and-done is good enough for us. Lily is amazingly wonderful. I just, I can't describe it, it's just perfect this love I have for her. We had a smooth pregnancy and delivery, a relatively smooth infancy, and toddler-hood has been (shhhh don't tell anyone. I'm not supposed to admit it.) kinda easy. Now we're getting to the point where Lily's becoming increasingly independent. She just started part-time day care, and *gasp* I have freedom again to shop on my own, lunch with friends in peace, and take my time browsing stores. Of course that all sounds really frivolous, but the real reason she's entered care is because I start school next month. BUT you better believe I've been taking advantage of my free time THIS month. Ha! We've started throwing around the ideas of Lily free vacations... a notion 6 months ago that wasn't even an option in my over-protective mind. So if life has become so easy do we really want to start over? Especially considering everyone and their mother has told us that since Lily was such an easy baby the next will be exponentially more needy and cranky. Ugh. Yes, yes I do want to start over. As a wise friend (Nikki) once said, they are only babies for a short amount of time compared to a lifetime of joy. Yup. Sounds about right to me.
But right now all that doesn't matter. I'm doing the best I can. I've got plenty to distract me from what's going on in the baby-making-hood. Tonight is the Gator Ball (YAY!). Lily's birthday is coming up, our 9th wedding anniversary is nearing (holy crap how did that happen?!), we get to enjoy our long awaited WDW vacation (and Cayce's 30th b-day), we pick orders in April, and I get back into my slammed routine of school. It's gonna be busy around here for a while and I need it.
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