A Little *Me* Time

RANT

Today is a tough day.  I'm struggling a lot.  I'm a ball of fury. 

This has nothing to do with Lily.  She's wonderful in every way.  I love her, and she's so perfect.  However, today, even she could not keep me from roller coastering.

I'm being blunt here.  Infertility is a bitch.  I have wounds people.  Deep deep wounds.  And, no, finally having a baby does not heal those wounds.  There's still six years of bleeding, festering, sores under the surface.  I've nicely bandaged them.  The gauze holds tightly for everyday wear and tear, but there are things out of my control that creep in and rip those bandages right off. 

I wish it were okay to wear a badge that says "I have fertility issues, do not ask or mention the following:  Why did you wait so long to have a baby?  When are you having more children?  I got pregnant after only a month or two of trying.  He/She was unplanned.  Boo Hoo pregnancy sucks. etc."

I am sensitive.  I own it.  I also understand that it's not people's fault that I'm so sensitive about my situation.  I understand strangers being clueless, but I think some people have decided to forgo manners and butt into my personal life.  If I want you to know I will tell you.  Those who do know me, well they should know better, and each time the subject is breached I draw myself further and further away from them.

STOP ASKING!

Ya know one of the reasons I hesitate on "trying" again.  I'm not ready to open myself back up to that pain and misery of BIG FAT NEGATIVEs. Until you've lived through it you have no right to comment.  Of course I want more children.  But ya know what?  I'm so unbelievably happy with the one I have why would I choose to subject myself to the possible pain of failing.  The Lord will provide what's best.

The end.