Proactiv*

It's not just for your face.  I've shocked myself and the world and taken a stand to be proactive.

As can probably be surmised from my previous post I'm dealing with some issues.  Progressively over the past month or two I've slowly been cycling into a dark little pit.  I've successfully isolated myself, and taken the role of hermit to a new level.  Cayce and I keep having the same argument over and over and over and over..... no resolution in sight.  Mostly due to my irrational thought process.  I've learned what it truly means to be an insomniac and live in a constant state of anxiousness.  I'm harboring irrational anger/envy towards those who don't deserve my ire.  I'm definitely making mountains out of mole hills.  Like Mt. Everest sized mountains.  I cry at the drop of a hat, and stay in this depressed mood for far too long.  This is a total 180* shift from the previous year.  I was on cloud 9 during the pregnancy, and with the exception of crying a little easier during movies and hallmark commercials I was the picture of an emotionally stable and happy being.  Lily has truly been my one bright spot for the past couple of months.  She's such a joy.  Oh Lord, she's such a joy.  I love everything about her.  Even the sound of her breathing gives me peace, but even she is not *enough* to pull me out of this destructive rut. 

After a rough few days, starting with the loss of Kevin, spiraling towards other fabricated craziness Cayce and I were able to have a long heart to heart.  He kindly *no sarcasm intended* pointed out my erratic behavior as a whole, and urged me to think about seeking professional help.  He understood that no matter how much he loves me he is not going to be able to pull me through single-handedly.  Surprisingly I took this well.  Maybe so.  Maybe this is more than the perceived foibles of others.  Maybe the rest of the world's not wrong, maybe it's me.  Just a little bit.

So I thought about it, talked to mom about it, and decided to do something about it.  There's an awesome program, Military One Source, available to Military members and their dependents.  They can be contacted and confidential arrangements (without command involvement or Military medical records noted)  can be made to access mental health professionals for free of charge.  So I, who hides from all things new and different, called Military One Source last night.  I talked for about 45 minutes to a licensed therapist named Mike.  He assessed my needs and referred me to a female therapist here in town for 11 free sessions.  It was an amazingly healing 45 minutes.  Even in that short amount of time I received some helpful tips for helping me sleep and alleviating some of my perceived stress.  I've always advocated to others the wonders and need for reaching for a healthy mental and emotional state.  However, I myself have never chosen to access those resources available to me.  I don't want medication.  I'm not looking for an easy way out.  What I'm looking for is a new way of thinking, feeling, living.  I'm looking for a way to get back in touch with the outgoing fun-loving side of me who existed 2 years ago.  The me who had friends.  The me who enjoyed new experiences.  The me who walked into UNF not knowing a soul and voraciously took a hold of my life.  I want *me* back.   I need this for Cayce, Lily, and most of all, Me.

Here's to the search!